{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

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[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*


Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.


Wilderness survival tip #32: To deter bears from attacking your tent, simply sprinkle your neighbor’s campsite with bacon powder.


I don’t mind people that stick their noses in the air. It makes it that much easier to trip them or push them down 10 flights of stairs.


My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.


Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.


cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important


My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas