@TuSoonShakur

{first day as a dermatologist}

DOCTOR: what brings you in today?

PATIENT: psoriasis.

DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.

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@ObscureGent

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

@TrapTart

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

@SkunkRiverNPS

Wilderness survival tip #32: To deter bears from attacking your tent, simply sprinkle your neighbor’s campsite with bacon powder.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t mind people that stick their noses in the air. It makes it that much easier to trip them or push them down 10 flights of stairs.

@DadandBuried

My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.

@TheRobCee

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

@Skoog

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

@paopao619

My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas