{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
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a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I enjoy a good short stor
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt