@pilau

[first day as a Detective]

me: omg he was invisible

partner: that’s a chalk outline

me: [under breath] and they stole the body

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@Home_Halfway

[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out

@ericsshadow

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

@Mindless4Miles

The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it’s definition.

@no_talent_shan

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

@3sunzzz

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

@TheBoydP

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

@ZaraEatWorld

I missed going to the gym today.

So that’s 20 years in a row now.

@parishiltonsdad

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that