*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
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[Inventor of the bagpipes] What if I blew into a pillow until I passed out
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it’s definition.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
octupus: [gun in each hand]
cat: you’re one short buddy
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that