Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
You Might Also Like
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
I wonder why the ingredients on a snickers wrapper says “May contain almonds.” What, is the guy who drops in the almonds a slacker?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr