If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
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8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
this is literally a CIA plant
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!