[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
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My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I feel seen.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
That earthquake could have been an email.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.