[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
You Might Also Like
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning