@notacroc

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

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@Brettagher

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

@CheryeDavis

Saw a guy walking down the street talking to himself, hand gestures and all…So I did the right thing, stopped and told him about Twitter.

@PFTompkins

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

@daddydoubts

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

@KWalps

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

@jellybnbonanza

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

@Brampersandon_

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

@iwearaonesie

Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No

@T_Bonezzz

Been dating this new chick and some days i like her and some days i don’t.

so i made her a mixed signal tape

@RiotGrlErin

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.