[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup

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ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!


[country music plays in elevator]

ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn’t Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don’t give a shit who this is


If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”


God *using a bear to dry his face*

Angel: OMG what are You doing?!

God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down


Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”


2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]


girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own


[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop


Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.