ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
A: Uh, seahorse
A: Sea cow.
A: Sea idiot!
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
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[country music plays in elevator]
ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn’t Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don’t give a shit who this is
I could NOT have put it better myself.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
God *using a bear to dry his face*
Angel: OMG what are You doing?!
God *wrings it out and drops it on the ground* makin ferrets, calm down
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.