[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
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My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
he was correct
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!