@Jerrypleasure

(First day as a doctor)

Hey Siri, where’s the heart

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@ShutUpThatsWho

*job interview*
Why do you want to be a psychiatrist?
*pictures clients acting like chickens after I click my fingers*
I want to help people

@Reverend_Scott

[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ

@Ivsy01

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

@Tmoney68

George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.

@SaltyCorpse

You’re not a real parent until you’ve secretly wished your child’s sports team does bad in a tournament so you can go home early.

@seamussaid

I realize not everyone is cool with Easter egg hunts, but they are vital. They help manage the egg population and keep it at healthy levels

@ThugRaccoons

Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?

Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired

@drankturpentine

me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow

boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep

@Philosopherbing

I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said