(First day as a doctor)

Hey Siri, where’s the heart

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Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.


Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.


COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok



9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?

my face: *look of horror*

9: firetruck! What else?

me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*


Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal


Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.


? Client not paid?
? Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away