@Jerrypleasure

(First day as a doctor)

Hey Siri, where’s the heart

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@lordratsquirt

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

@DaHess1

Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.

@ClichedOut

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

@itshotterhere

9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?

my face: *look of horror*

9: firetruck! What else?

me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*

@iscoff

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

@WilliamAder

Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

@riklomas

? Client not paid?
? Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away