Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
(First day as a doctor)
Hey Siri, where’s the heart
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Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
9: Daddy, what starts with F and ends in UCK?
my face: *look of horror*
9: firetruck! What else?
me: nervous laugh *pours another drink*
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
When libraries troll their patrons.
? Client not paid?
? Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away