If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
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I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Thursday
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets