[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
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Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
very niche meme I made
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.