Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
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Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
a fate I wish upon no one
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.