[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
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The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”