Financial status: Googling “sell kidney”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
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mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.
roommate: i baked an apple pie
me: did you use my apples?
me: how many
roommate: all of them
me: ALL of them?
me: shut up.
*the earth shakes*
me: the doctors are coming
roommate: which doctors
*god begins to scream*
me: all of them
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
God: you’re a cat.
God: you really love the humans.
Cat: yeah I do!
God: but you don’t express your feelings very well.
Cat: oh no! what should I do?
God: try giving them gifts.
Human: is-is that a dead bird?
Cat: [happy whisper] I love you so much!