[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
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The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree