[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
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I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed