[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
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Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
You better watch out
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?