@trayofcheese

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

You Might Also Like

@SortaBad

*hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work*
“Excuse me, are you okay? Because you’re kinda stealing my thing”

@mishakey

I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.

@iwearaonesie

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

@marrowing

every time my laptop fans start going mental I lean in and whisper “are you mining bitcoin you little shit”

@justabloodygame

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

@PinkCamoTO

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

@Megatronic13

Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.

@LeahPeah4

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,