*hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work*
“Excuse me, are you okay? Because you’re kinda stealing my thing”
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
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I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
every time my laptop fans start going mental I lean in and whisper “are you mining bitcoin you little shit”
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
that’s really how it is
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,