{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
🤣
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.