@BriarSlyMadness
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
@jazmasta
[first day as a doctor]
You seem depressed. Also you look underweight, how’s your diet?
[nurse interrupts me]
“Dr that’s the model skeleton”
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@BriarSlyMadness
@Skoogeth
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
@tornebrook
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
@best0fnick
#SuperBowl
@HelloJessicaFox
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
@echo262
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
@YoungFunE
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
@brainwxrms
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
@Wussawilla
Coworker: My husband’s an angel.
Me: You’re lucky.. mine’s still alive.
@mrtruthandsoul
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.