Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
[first day as a dog trainer]
*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*
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Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Being a newspaper boy combines two of my favorite things: legally throwing things at people’s houses & keeping my fellow citizens informed
[God, wasted, creating humans]
Angel: How do they cool themselves off?
God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
the opposite of a charles manson is a nicole kidman
God: you’re a yak.
Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.
Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?
Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.
Yak: guess my favorite band?
Yak: my chemoocal romance.
God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.