[first day as a dog trainer]

*begins loading cargo on mile-long line of poodles*

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Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.


Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no not— wait really


How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it


ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion


Being a newspaper boy combines two of my favorite things: legally throwing things at people’s houses & keeping my fellow citizens informed


[God, wasted, creating humans]
Angel: How do they cool themselves off?
God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them.
Angel: How…Ok.


CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.


God: you’re a yak.

Yak: actually i’m an emo cow.

God: wait-what?

Yak: why do you think I grew my hair out?

God: why?

Yak: cause i’m going through some stuff right now.

God: oh.

Yak: guess my favorite band?


Yak: my chemoocal romance.

God: [nods] you ARE an emo cow.


I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.