[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
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A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
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Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect