First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

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DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]


I imagine it’s pretty humbling for someone who’s literally taking part in their first rodeo


I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.


As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.


I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.


Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.


I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.


Cinderella is my favorite story about women who fight over a man who doesn’t even remember what a woman he spent the night with looks like.


Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.


HUMAN BODY: I can grow a fully formed human baby in like 9 months. I’m talking brain, functioning respiratory system, eyeballs, everything.

ME: Cool, cool. How long will it take for my twisted ankle to feel better?

HUMAN BODY: 7 years and it will never be the same.