First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

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“Tom Brady did nothing wrong” is Boston’s “The Confederate Flag isn’t really about slavery.”


My spirit animal is the opossum. They weren’t meant to live in the suburbs but they sure figured it out.


My favorite parts of the Bible are when Jesus is alone talking to God (himself) and someone who wasn’t there is writing about it.


me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?


It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.


What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”

What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”


Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”


They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.


Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.


Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!