First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
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ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.