[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
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Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.