[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

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“Hey Iron Man, how’d you get your powers?”
*flashes back to tony stark being bitten by a radioactive ironing board*


1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.


-Do you take drugs?
-Ever tried them?
-You seem very nervous.
-I’m just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.


I got a tapeworm once back in the 80s. Now I have an mp3worm.


before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*


Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.


I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.


American Bulldog: Bark!

German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!

Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!