Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
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“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward
cat: hello please pet me
me: sure *goes to pet*
cat: NOT THERE
cat: *points at a 1mm size spot on head* here and here only
me: ok *pets spot*
cat: *swats me*
me: what the hell
cat: i changed my mind
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.
keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?