*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

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Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?


“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there


I dropped a total of 13 pounds over the weekend and no longer work in the maternity ward


cat: hello please pet me

me: sure *goes to pet*


me: umm

cat: *points at a 1mm size spot on head* here and here only

me: ok *pets spot*

cat: *swats me*

me: what the hell

cat: i changed my mind


Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.


date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous

me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha


I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?


Pretty woman wouldn’t have been as sweet of a love story if we saw all the times she sucked c**k for money weeks prior.


keanu reeves calling carly rae jepsen the most talented musician he’s listened to in his lifetime is a huge complement when you remember that he’s been alive for several thousand years