@SvnSxty

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

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@deapoirierbooks

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

@parishiltonsdad

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

@InternetHippo

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

@JKNenagh

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

@ADDiane

[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.

@envydatropic

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

@Sarcasticsapien

I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.

@SortaBad

When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’

@LizerReal

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]