*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

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The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow



Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that


I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself


7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit


[Looking out the window]

Me: I don’t understand this show.


Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend


I almost always wear black. Not because I’m depressed or trying to be all dark, but because I’m single and don’t want to separate laundry.


When my wife is out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel’


3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]