*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
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Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this