me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
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[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no