[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
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8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.