[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
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I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
never compromise your values
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
me linking you to my twitter
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?