The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
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[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
me: you’re late
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
First day of school and 8’s teacher has already sent a note home with him: “You dropped your son off at the wrong school.”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.