@Browtweaten

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

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@QwertyJones3

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

@TheHyyyype

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

@jjhartinger

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

@NickSwardson

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

@TheAlexNevil

First day of school and 8’s teacher has already sent a note home with him: “You dropped your son off at the wrong school.”

@Weird_Rash

Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?

@ClichedOut

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

@DrakeGatsby

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.