@Browtweaten

*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

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@Phoebetate

Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two.

@Sickayduh

Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you.

Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon?

[from my stomach] I’m right here

@shadygrenade

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

@Dani_Feld

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

@petemandik

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

@AbbyHasIssues

An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.

@dumbbeezie

I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet