having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
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if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.