Jamiroquai, because Jamirodepwessed.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
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FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two.
Nurse: Taking you back into surgery. Something was sewn inside you.
Me: What? Can I talk to the surgeon?
[from my stomach] I’m right here
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
An old guy at the gym told me I looked like his late wife. I’m hoping he meant while she was alive.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet