*First day as a forest ranger*

Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here

Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby

Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money

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having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house


if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.


SHE has the mouth of a sailor…

…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.


*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.


[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this


I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.


Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”

Me: “The lunch bell.”


I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.


Iโ€™m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.