@trojansauce

[first day as a funeral photographer]
ok now let’s try a silly one

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@Kauaibride

please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.

@Artemis_Ascends

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

@tastefactory

*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually

@Darlainky

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

@clindsaysway

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

@BurgerKing

IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?

@FeelingEuphoric

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

@MrIceMachine

Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Me: Yea!
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.