please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it’s a round granola bar.
[first day as a funeral photographer]
ok now let’s try a silly one
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Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Mosh pit is just goth wrestling.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Mind: Does a flying dream sound good tonight?
Mind: Horrific shadow demon it is.
Me: But I thought-?
Mind: Don’t worry, it can fly.