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@trojansauce: [first day as a funeral photographer]
ok now let's try a silly one
@SarahFemme: The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.
@Rebelling_Jyn: Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There's probably a torrent somewhere.
@flashember: DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
@TheMichaelRock: Do women know that it's perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
@NikatNiteNite: Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like "this drug may cause severe sexiness"