@trojansauce

[first day as a funeral photographer]
ok now let’s try a silly one

[first day as a funeral photographer]
ok now let’s try a silly one

- @trojansauce

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@PickleRudd

[Genetics Lab]

Me: One designer baby, please

Doctor: It’s not like that, you..

Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions

Doctor: What? No, you can’t…

Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers

Doctor:

Me: I’m gonna call her Claire

@AlisonChrista

I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.

@online_rat

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

@imchriskelly

Glad they redesigned Gmail—I’ve been dying to compose an email farther to the right.

@pilau

Saying “I’ve gone viral” a month ago

– awesome dude
– that tweet was so funny
– dopamine be hitting you hard

Saying “I’ve gone viral” now

– stay away from me
– no I won’t shake hands
– don’t lick my doorknobs
– don’t high five my grandma

@NetHistorian

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

@FredTaming

me: you’re killing it

my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say

@imteddybless

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

@ihateitmunky

Coffee dates are my favorite because you can just pour it on yourself as an excuse to leave

@crocodilethumbs

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea