“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
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A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Donkey Kong sommelier
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Oh my god
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?