[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
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People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
This trial is so absurd 😭
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I’m good, thanks.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
That eye roll….
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.