[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”