[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot