@HansGrubertron

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

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@huntigula

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

@josePhDhoran

Excuse me girlfriend for I have burped. It has been 3 weeks since my last apology

@DirtMcTurd

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

@mrjohndarby

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

@just1fool

To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit to double Celsius and add thirty. To convert someone to Mormonism you double the wives and add 17 kids.

@KeetPotato

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

@sarcasticmommy4

I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.

@KevinBuffalo

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

@16bitbulbasaur

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

@Gre_Gone

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”