[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

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Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl


Excuse me girlfriend for I have burped. It has been 3 weeks since my last apology


If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave


went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security


To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit to double Celsius and add thirty. To convert someone to Mormonism you double the wives and add 17 kids.


sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”


I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.

So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.


I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.


date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex


me: *yelling* avada kedavra


*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*