[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
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Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.