[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
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-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.