[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
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Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’