nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
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[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.