[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
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when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist