[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
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If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Pretty much. 🤣
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?