Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.
They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
You’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.