@Rica_Bee

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

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@MaryJustice86

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

@MatCro

[emergency]

[super hero appears]

GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!

HERO: I…I don’t know

@aveuaskew

Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.

@AnOrangeSNES

If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.

@TheTweetOfGod

1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.

@jazmasta

They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes

@Lhlodder

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

@MelvinofYork

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is