[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
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One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
*lint rolls you awake*
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.