*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
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*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Cinematography is my passion
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.