the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
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This is my brand.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Siri, fight Alexa.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
And then there were 4
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.