During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
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3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
@funTweeters
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
#MeanwhileInCanada
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓