Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
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I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
And that about sums it up.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken