Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
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*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!