[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
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Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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