[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Finally a use for spoilers…
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
peep davidson
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens