[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Phonetics
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
A completely valid reaction tbh