*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
In banana years, I am bread.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow