*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…