[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
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I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I just stopped by to water my horse.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
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Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.